SATAN STRIKES HYANNIS DRIVE-THRU! “I AM SATAN!” Maniac Vandalizes Multiple Cars at McDonald’s, Cops Say

HYANNIS, MASSACHUSETTS — The Prince of Darkness made a special appearance at the McDonald’s drive-thru on North Street last night — and he was in a destructive mood. Barnstable Police rushed to the scene after a wild-eyed man described as being in his late 50s, wearing a red hat, white T-shirt and blue jeans was spotted going full demon on random vehicles in the drive-thru lane. Officers grabbed the suspect in the parking lot and had him locked in the back of a patrol car by the time Hyannis News arrived. That’s when the real show began. Restrained behind cruiser bars, the man cackled maniacally and screamed gibberish while delivering an unholy declaration to all within earshot: “I AM SATAN!” The self-proclaimed Devil is no stranger to officers patrolling downtown Hyannis. He was busted and charged with disorderly conduct just days ago for darting in and out of traffic on Main Street. His current address is listed as the Winter Street homeless shelter, according to police radio transmissions. He now faces six felony counts of malicious destruction of property for allegedly damaging a number of separate vehicles. A Barnstable County Sheriff’s Crime Scene Unit was called in to document the damage while witnesses gave statements. The suspect was hauled back to headquarters, where sources say he was “very uncooperative and difficult” during booking. As of press time, the police report was still being finalized. Police have not yet officially released whether or not “Satan” is the man’s real name, a nickname… or just one very loud inner demon in desperate need of an exorcist. [DEVELOPING] HN spoke with several shaken victims who were still reeling from the bizarre attack. They had simply pulled into the McDonald’s drive-thru on North Street hoping for a quick, relaxing Sunday evening meal. Instead, they watched in disbelief as the self-proclaimed “Satan” went on a rampage, damaging random vehicles. Now they’re left dealing with police reports, insurance claims, and costly repairs — all because one man decided to play devil in the drive-thru and parking lot. As seen in the following HN photo, the damage ranged from random, nonsensical key scratches to more serious destruction across a number of vehicles.   HN Reminder: The initial details contained in the above report are based on radio transmissions and information from police sources. The defendant (or demon, as the case may be…) is presumed to be innocent unless and until proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt in a court of law. P.S. – Today’s Hytown Vignette is brought to you by The Rolling Stones… [CLICK IT/CRANK IT! HEADPHONES ABSOLUTELY OBLIGATORY!]   Additional HN photos:          Above:  Local emergency crews rushed to the waters off Craigville Beach Sunday evening after receiving a report of a person possibly in distress on a raft just offshore. COMM FD and Hyannis firefighters immediately launched rescue boats while Barnstable Police deployed a drone overhead to scan the area. It turned out to be a single “good intent” report. There were no additional calls, no missing persons, and no evidence of anyone in the water. After thoroughly searching the area, authorities called off the operation.