***  HN SPECIAL REPORT ***  YARMOUTH CRACKDOWN ON WATER BOTTLE TRAFFICKING… H2O JUNKIES OUTRAGED!

[HN NOTES & MULLINGS ON THE MATTER] “Jim,” a water user who spoke with HN under the condition of anonymity, used to feel safe buying his daily H2O supply at the local Cumbys in West Yarmouth. “There was no stigma attached, man! While it’s no secret I’m a life-long H2O addict, I’m still worried about being hassled by the cops… and people looking down their noses at me… et cetera, et cetera… you know what I mean, man?” Jim asked, obviously upset. (I had to confess I had no idea what he meant, but then again, I’m not a water junkie.) “Look,” Jim continued, “before this stupid, new Yarmouth law that outlaws water bottle sales, I could walk right into this Cumbys behind me, grab a cold one, and down that sucker right here in the parking lot! Sure, I’d get strange looks from non-water users who don’t understand, but #&%*@^%! ’em, at least I knew the water I just pounded was safe! Up until this new law, I used to be able to buy a safe bottle of H2O without the man getting between me and my #&%*@^%!’ liquid!” Jim exclaimed, pumping a hardcore Poland Springs logo tattooed across his fist, dripping blood and shooting flames it read, “BORN IN MAINE, BABY! 1845!” “I realize Poland Springs water bottles are from Maine, but what does the 1845 mean?” I asked. “You #&%*@^%!’ kidding me right now? 1845! #&%*@^%! around and find out!” Jim moved his clenched fist closer to my face. “It means they been selling this #&%*@^%! legally since 1845 and that’s all you gotta know!  Where the #&%*@^%! you been?  And now some clowns in Yarmouth are going to force peaceful water users to buy their stuff on the street – pieces of #&%*@^%!!  AHHHHHHH!  IMMA ‘BOUT TO GO APESHIT, MAN!  #&%*@^%!’ WATER NAZIS!”   The effects of the H2O were obviously taking hold and Jim was getting fired up. I had to quietly move away for my own safety. HN APPROACHED BY H2O PUSHER I left Jim and began walking toward my car when a greasy-looking man with a ratty goatee approached, “Hey brother, you look thirsty. You need a little water, bro?” The stranger nodded toward a brand-new Ocean Blue colored Chrysler 300. “But we can’t do it here, man. Barney’s all over my #&%*@^%!,” he said in a very low voice without moving his lips. “Barney?” “Five-Oh… The Popo… you know, #&%*@^%!’ cops – don’t look! I’ll meet you down the street, man… don’t be obvious…” “Nah, I’m good, man. I’m not into the hard stuff. I don’t do water. Just beer… but hey, I know this dude named Jim…” The water pusher and I quickly parted ways right when an unmarked cop car pulled in. Probably a member of the WTF (Water Task Force). Things were getting hairy. Better get out of here before lead starts flying, I thought.  I could hear Jim hollering “GODDAMN WATER PIG NAZIS!” at the WTF car as I quickly turned right onto Route 28, back toward Hyannis, where it’s safer. RUMORS OF H20 BOTTLE CARTELS MOVING IN It’s really too early to tell how Yarmouth’s decision to outlaw water bottle sales will affect street crime. But there’s an ongoing fear of the H20 Cartels moving in from south of the border. Last week, an 18-wheeler packed with cases of illegal water bottles disguised as Fresca soft drinks led state troopers on a multi-state high-speed pursuit across the Midwest, according to an unofficial news report. The 18-wheeler ended up crashing into the West River outside of Dayton… shots were fired, but the driver got away on foot. The cleanup of water bottles disguised as refreshing grapefruit-flavored citrus beverages tied up resources for days, but officials assured there was no threat to public health… in fact, the spill might even make things “healthier in the long run,” the head of the Ohio State Highway Patrol is said to have told reporters, according to the initial unofficial, unconfirmed report… more on that later… [DEVELOPING] THE CRACKDOWN The Town of Yarmouth made the following declaration on their website about their new water bottle trafficking law: ARTICLE #35. Petition for Single Use Plastic Water Bottle Ban Bylaw Effective on December 31, 2023, it shall be unlawful to sell non-carbonated, unflavored drinking water in single-use plastic bottles of less than one gallon in the Town of Yarmouth. Enforcementof this regulation will begin December 31, 2023. A single-use plastic bottle is a beverage container made from any type of plastic resin, which may contain recycled material, and may be sold as recyclable, biodegradable, or compostable… Enforcement of this article shall be the responsibility of the Town Administrator or his/her designee. The Town Administrator shall determine the inspection process to be followed, incorporating the process into other Town duties as appropriate. Any establishment conducting sales in violation of this article shall be subject to a non-criminal disposition fine as specified in G. L. c. 40 § 21D. The following penalties apply: • First violation: written warning • Second violation: $150 fine • Third and subsequent violations: $300 fine Any such fines collected shall be payable to the Town of Yarmouth. Each day the violation continues constitutes a separate violation. After detection of an initial violation, the designated inspection authority will be required to verify subsequent compliance until compliance with this bylaw is established. All businesses will be routinely inspected until the Town Administrator deems the inspection to be no longer required. ……………………………………….. It’s a volatile, developing scene.  But water addiction is no joke.  And there’s still no word on how these new measures are expected to keep town residents safe. HN urges the community to be vigilant.  Keep your doors locked and beware of random water users hanging around outside hoses and spigots.  And, by all means, send extra thoughts and prayers if you got them.  Together we can do this!   The following is a recent Town of Yarmouth YouTube video where the Director of Public Health informs the public about the new water bottle ban that begins on December 31, 2023: [TOWN OF YARMOUTH ILLEGAL WATER BOTTLE DECLARATION – PRESS PLAY] P.S. – Today’s Hytown Vignette is a brought to you by Black Sabbath…  [CLICK IT/CRANK IT! HEADPHONES ABSOLUTELY OBLIGATORY!]